don't be mistaken

"you were so distant

i forgot you were there at all"

                                - rupi kaur

i had been in love before you. i had been kissed before you. i had been held, caressed, and touched. however, you were my first sexual encounter, the thought of which horrifies me still today. i was a child when you introduced yourself to me and was still a child when you made excuses to leave a relationship even i knew was no longer worth saving. it wasn't love that kept me wishing and hoping you would come back. it was the excuses you made to leave. it was the lie that you wanted to spend more time with your family, that i was preventing that, which made me want you to stay. it was the blame that i had anything to do with the relationship you held with your parents and brothers that i wanted revoked. i did not want the loss revoked. i wanted to be set free without the guilt.

it wasn't you that i loved - it never was. it was me. it was the pride that I felt in the assumption that i inspired someone to work towards success. it was the relief i felt that I had someone to talk to when things irritated me, someone who would hold me when i felt the least bit lonely.

and when you became distant, i found a home in a group of friends that gave me the validation that i did not need you, nor did i want you. and when you had left, i found a home in myself.

i wish you did not flatter yourself in thinking that you had anything to do with why i was hurting. i was hurting because of the growing pains of becoming someone i could depend on. it had nothing to do with losing you, but rather losing a comfort.

and now, i can be my own comfort, my own strength, and my own love. and the grandest news of it all is... i can be all of this for myself and for the love that i discovered for a man who loves me.