don't be mistaken

"you were so distant

i forgot you were there at all"

                                - rupi kaur

i had been in love before you. i had been kissed before you. i had been held, caressed, and touched. however, you were my first sexual encounter, the thought of which horrifies me still today. i was a child when you introduced yourself to me and was still a child when you made excuses to leave a relationship even i knew was no longer worth saving. it wasn't love that kept me wishing and hoping you would come back. it was the excuses you made to leave. it was the lie that you wanted to spend more time with your family, that i was preventing that, which made me want you to stay. it was the blame that i had anything to do with the relationship you held with your parents and brothers that i wanted revoked. i did not want the loss revoked. i wanted to be set free without the guilt.

it wasn't you that i loved - it never was. it was me. it was the pride that I felt in the assumption that i inspired someone to work towards success. it was the relief i felt that I had someone to talk to when things irritated me, someone who would hold me when i felt the least bit lonely.

and when you became distant, i found a home in a group of friends that gave me the validation that i did not need you, nor did i want you. and when you had left, i found a home in myself.

i wish you did not flatter yourself in thinking that you had anything to do with why i was hurting. i was hurting because of the growing pains of becoming someone i could depend on. it had nothing to do with losing you, but rather losing a comfort.

and now, i can be my own comfort, my own strength, and my own love. and the grandest news of it all is... i can be all of this for myself and for the love that i discovered for a man who loves me.

4 years later

hi -

my last post was in august of 2014 and there weren't really too many posts prior. posts from the past are usually relatively interesting reads, as i have grown quite a lot since my first and my last post (which isn't saying much considering, again, there weren't too many posts).

since my last post, many things has happened, as one would imagine in a span of four years. key things are:

• graduated college
• landed a pretty great job at a pretty great organization (non-profit)
• moved out of my parents' house
• got married - to the same dude I was with since 2012 
• got three dogs
• am one year away from obtaining my Masters Degree in Project Management

i am now 26 years old and equally, or perhaps more so, confused about life and purpose as I was at 22. though, right now, instead of looking at what car I want to purchase, I'm looking at what condo I want to purchase & where. adulting. 

I'm thinking that I will be continuing this blog as a thought-vomit trash bin about the poetry I've been reading as of late until I decide to not do that anymore - either abruptly or announced. I don't know. I'm actually pretty surprised that this blog is still even alive. pleasantly, of course. 

I hope things have been well to the ghosts that have stumbled upon this blog. life has treated me with kindness, and I do wish that life has done the same favor for you all who have taken an interest in my thoughts.